Summer Depression/Half Smile (Season 1)

dread, despair, and disgust suffuses across my synapses

as the sun intrudes into my darkened room guilting me for taking the day for granted

I pull the covers over my head cocooning my body

my pulse increases, my chest hurts, my stomach churns, and my mind spins

at the thought of exposing myself


panic overwhelms me like a wave crashing down

caught off guard fear rushes into my lungs instead of air

the thought of facing my energetic and happy co-workers terrifies me

the voice in my head cruelly whispers

they will find you out

they will see your thankless shadow

they will sense your dis-ease


the sun then glares as if to ask me how dare I stay in bed

it points out there are sun filled adventures ahead

fresh air to breathe

nourishing vitamin D to absorb

tans to aquire

swimsuits to model

lush green trails to admire

parties to attend

music to dance to

holidays to celebrate

planes to ride

friends and family to visit


the heat then rises with the sun as if to increase my discomfort

I sweat under the sheets

my tongue is dry inside my mouth

I deny myself water

I procrastinate showering

I shrink

I pray to God that I please disappear  


I then hear footsteps

the lock clicks

and my sister is home from work

and I’m still in bed

guilt floods my mind

she playfully peeks under my covers

she climbs under to hug and cuddle me

she encourages me to enjoy the day


I smile to reassure her as I hold back the tears pooling behind my eyes

all I want is for her to be happy

all I want is for her to have a normal sister


finally the tears flow with the water in the shower

fatigue fills up my feet with every step

my heart feels heavy as I brush my teeth and hair

mechanically I apply make-up, then sunblock

I put on a swimsuit


we drive to the beach

and my mind is paralyzed

I can’t think of a single word to say

as my sister cheerfully chatters


my sister smells the salty air

she hears the relaxing repetition of the waves

she feel the warmth of the sun as we lie on the sand

and all I can think of is how empty I feel


fog is clouding my vision

everything to me feels dreamlike and shallow

everything feels like a prop

I’m afraid if I reach out and touch anything it will tip over


nothing and no one feels real to me

everything seems predictable and scripted

my heart races at the possibility that I made all this up in my head


I catastrophize

my monstrous thoughts murmur distorted stories

I spiral downwards into delusion

as I desperately focus on my half smile